“I know provoking isn’t productive,” he told me after I explained that it would do nothing to help his case, “and I don’t want to. Sometimes I get frustrated and do it on impulse. I try not to.”
But that isn’t the case. Just prior, he’d openly told me that the whole reason he’d said provoking things is so that I would yell at him; it was apparently the only way that he could confirm any feelings I had because they seem to be so non-existent.
Except you can’t have it both ways. You don’t get to say you try to provoke me in order to gauge my emotions and then immediately say that you do it on impulse; you’ve already stated that you’ve done it for a purpose, one that gets you information you’d rather not ask for and instead push me into a shouting match so that you can hear everything that’s on my mind.
Except you won’t hear everything because I’ll keep a lot of it hidden. I won’t provide you with more than anger and tears, and you won’t get to know all of me.
You won’t get to be acquainted with the calm person who will spill her every thought to you when she feels comfortable enough to do so, and you won’t get to know the kind person who is willing to listen to your side of the story. You will only get to know the upset person who will find it hard to take in your position because you’ve already set her to take a defensive stance; you will only know the person who prefers to sit in silence and never reveal their inner most thoughts because you’ve shown that you’d rather make her uncomfortable.
You don’t get to have it both ways. You don’t get to pretend that it’s not intentional when you’ve already stated that it is; you don’t get to pretend that you’re the victim because your actions don’t get you the results that you wanted. You don’t get to pretend that it’s you who is hurt because you’re the one who is causing the hurt by using such an offensive and indirect tactic.
And most of all, you don’t get to pretend you know who I am when you’ve not made the effort to get to know that person. You don’t get to tell me who I am when you’ve already established those boundaries; you don’t get to make decisions about who I am based on the negative actions you show me.
What you do get, though, is the cold and distant responses; you get the uncertainty of knowing how I feel because I cannot trust you. You get to be left with more questions than answers because you’ve shown me that you’re not deserving of them.
And it’s a shame you don’t get to know me. Because, despite my flaws and baggage, I know I’m wonderful.
It is with great pleasure that I can announce my completion in my practicum! I’m turning in all of my paperwork today, which means that I’ll have my teaching degree finished. This makes me so incredibly excited, especially as I had been waiting for over a year to do this. I’m still sort of dancing about it!
I had an absolutely wonderful placement at a beautiful school with the most absurdly well-behaved students, and I had a brilliant supervising teacher and very welcoming department of co-teachers. This placement was exceptionally valuable, especially as these people – whether they did it [...] Continue Reading…
This last week saw a major internet fandom kerfuffle as one of the most beloved authors announced that she regretted a decision she made in her series of novels. Obviously, I’m talking about when JK Rowling decided to tell everyone that she regretted writing the story for Hermione to fall in love with Ron was “wish fulfilment,” that they would’ve been going through counselling, and that she should’ve ended up with Harry. (And then there’s this full transcript of the interview with Wonderland, which sort of clears up a few things and shows that she really didn’t change her [...] Continue Reading…
“I just said it to piss you off,” he told me as I was seething with anger at him. “And obviously it worked.”
Perhaps it was his age, I started thinking. Perhaps being 24, he’s too immature to know you shouldn’t incite your partner. But no, age is never a good indicator of maturity; I should know better than anyone how much I hate when people make that connection. He’s immature because he’s inexperienced and unwilling to learn; he’s immature because he doesn’t want to listen to someone else’s feelings or understand their dreams. He’s immature because things that don’t [...] Continue Reading…
Next week starts my final teaching placement, and I’m terrified. I’m not scared of teaching; I’ve done that before, but I’m scared of failing again and not having the supportive network that should be available to pre-service teachers (and even, you know, professional teachers). I’m scared of not knowing how to teach the subjects I’m teaching this time around because they’re less straight-forward than history and business studies and agriculture. In general, I’m just afraid of messing up something that I know I can do (and, honestly, loved doing before I ever shifted countries).
For the next three weeks, I’m [...] Continue Reading…